AN INTERVIEW WITH GOD
He sees you when you’re
sleeping. He knows when you’re
awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or
good so be good for goodness sake. Yes,
that’s right I spoke to God this month to find out what he’s been up to lately.
M: God, welcome.
God: Hey man, it’s great to be here.
M: So how are you liking
God: Good. It’s changed a lot since the last time I was here.
M: The Celtic Tiger.
God: Yeah. All the people here are really nice. I’ve got a lot of support here so...
M: You’ve had some huge
successes in the past, the Great Flood,
God: Well, I’ve been cooking up a few
things which I’m really excited about.
You’re going to be seeing them soon and I think they’re really going to
blow people away.
M: Wow, any teasers?
God: Let’s just say I’m moving things
in a totally new direction. People are
going to be really surprised by the new stuff I’ve got up my sleeve. And, uh, stay out of
M: Speaking of changes in
direction a lot of people looking back on your career are surprised by the
shift from the “Old Testament Vengeful God” and the “New Testament All Loving
God”. Do you think there’s some
disparity there? I mean, which one’s
the real you or did you really have a
change of heart there?
God: I think people read into my work
whatever they want, y’know. And that’s
cool. That’s what I’m all about. A hundred years ago all my fans were talking
about me being all angry at whatever they did and you’d better have a miserable
life if you want to go to Heaven. And
that’s cool. Now they’re saying I’m
some kind of hippy guy on pills who just loves you whatever you do. And that’s cool too.
M: But you did reap a lot of
vengeance in the early days.
God: Listen forget about the Old
Testament thing. I was just going
through a tough time. I was under a lot
of pressure to produce more and more miracles.
The whole flood thing was just a misunderstanding. I just flipped out. I’m sorry.
I’m better now.
M: What do you think brought
about this change in you?
God: Well, having a kid has really
put things into perspective for me.
M: That’s right you have...one
child is it?
God: Yeah, a son.
M: And he even followed you into
the business didn’t he?
God: Yeah, that’s right.
M: Did you encourage him to take
up the same career as you?
God: We-ell. He...he got into it of his own accord. I didn’t force him into anything. But I supported his decision, absolutely,
100%.
M: You even became his manager.
God: Uh, I wouldn’t say I was his
manager, I just tried to give him some advice and steer him in the right
direction.
M: But it didn’t work out for
him in the end.
God: No, things turned a bit sour for
him towards the end. But, y’know, it’s
a tough business. We tried to put a
brave face on it at the time and pretend that’s how we always planned things,
but he was really shook up. He’s doing
really well now though, he’s become very popular since his uh...retirement.
M: What do you say to people
that say that you’ve done your best work?
That like Orson Welles you first project was your best.
God: Well, I don’t think I’m a one
hit wonder but I’m very proud of The Creation.
Even if I was just known for that one thing I’d be happy. I did that in seven days you know. Van Morrison recorded Astral Weeks in two,
but he had a lot of help.
M: Well, your press release says
you created the Heavens and the Earth in seven days but isn’t it really true
that it took several billion years for the Earth to form and life to begin.
God: Well...
M: And that you didn’t really
have much of a part in it at all? In
fact all the work was done by Physics, who has been too modest to claim credit
for it until now?
God: Yeah, but I created Man in my
own image.
M: No, you didn’t, Evolution did
that.
God: Ah. But who invented evolution?
Me.
M: No. Evolution is logical process that arises inevitably from mutation
and the inheritance of characteristics.
In fact every step in the process leading up to what the world looks
like today has now been explained by natural causes and not as you originally
said by you.
God: Well, I created the Universe.
M: No, the Universe was created
by the Big Bang.
God: Right...Yeah...Do we know who
created the Big Bang?
M: Well, it’s actually
physically impossible to tell what happened before the Big Bang, so...
God: Alright then. I did that.
That was my idea.
M: Okay. Let me ask you this. You’ve never really made much of an impact
on the Asian market. In fact you’ve
never really tried to. Why is that?
God: Oh, everyone’s always going on
at me, “When are you going to break
M: That’s a bit racist isn’t it?
God: I don’t care what you call
it. I couldn’t give a shit about those
fucking idiots. They can believe
whatever they like.
M: Well, it’s not just
God: I just love those little fellas.
M: But don’t you care about all
the other people in the world?
God: Oh yeah. Of course I care about everyone else.
M: Then why have you never made
any attempt to reach out to any of the other cultures on the Earth?
God: Well, I just knew that if I
concentrated all my energies in the Middle East that the word would spread
across the world. And it has. Christianity is the biggest religion in the
world. Woohoo! Number one!
M: But more people in the world
don’t believe in God than do. Do you
really not give a shit about all those people?
Are they all going to hell?
God: Ah. But there you’re wrong.
If you add Christianity, Judaism and Islam together you get 3.3
billion. That’s more than half.
M: Yes but they have such wildly
differing beliefs, do you not think you should step in to sort it out?
God: It’s
much of a muchness to me really. The
important thing is that you just believe in me in some form or another. My particular policies shouldn’t be the key
issue here. Just vote for me. For whatever reason.
M: So
you really don’t care what we say is wrong or right?
God: No, believe whatever you
like. Go crazy. Believe I hate masturbation or pork-chops or
something stupid like that. It’s all
the same to me. I don’t care. The important thing is that people pray to
me and I’ll help them.
M: You help people?
God: Yeah. That’s what I’m here for.
M: But how do you do that?
God: I move in mysterious ways.
M: Yes, but specifically how?
God: I work through the hearts of
people.
M: But I thought people had free
will.
God: Oh yeah, free will,
definitely. When people do bad things
that’s because I gave them free will, so it’s not my fault. But if people do good things that’s because
I’m acting through them. You know if
you’re rescued from a mountain during a storm by the professional expertise of
the mountain rescue team, then it’s important that you thank me. Because I did it. If you get that job that you really wanted even though you were
up against a hundred other people but ultimately the employers chose you. Then thank me. Because I did it. I can
override that whole free will bullshit when I want to.
M: And what makes you decide to
do that?
God: When people ask me to do
it. Inside their head.
M: That’s not what the Muslims
say.
God: Don’t you worry about the
Muslims baby. Now come over here.
M: Woah. Slow down God. I didn’t know you were that loving.
God: Aaaah yeah, I’m omni-potent
baby.
M: Oh. I think I prefer the Old Testament God.
God: Right then! You’d better give me some loving or I’m
going to turn you into a pillar of salt!
M: A pillar of salt?
God: That’s right!
M: But you can’t make a pillar
out of salt.
God: I’m God, I can do whatever I
like!
M: But it wouldn’t be
structurally sound.
God: Are you telling me what to do?!
M: No. I’m just saying you can’t build a load bearing pillar out of
salt. You’d never get planning
permission. It’d dissolve at the first
sign of rain.
God: It’d be good for keeping the
snails off the building though.
M: Well, that is true.