FROM
ACROSS THE
SCENE
10 DOWNING STREET
FX: The
Prime Minister is flicking through radio stations.
Channel 1: …relentless alien advance.
Channel 2: …in the pub, having a quiet
drink, when this alien burst in and started raygunning all my mates. Eric got a right going over…
Channel 3: …Panic has gripped the
nation. Motorways are clogged. Phone lines are down. Post Offices are closing earlier and
earlier...
Prime Minister: [Switching
off the radio.] Oh for goodness sake, I’m so sick of these bloody
aliens. All day at work it’s just alien
this, alien that. Can’t a Prime
Minister just come home, put up his feet and listen to something else?
Mrs Prime Minister: Well you can’t blame people for wanting to hear
the news, dear. The aliens are what
everyone’s talking about.
Prime Minister: Oh, it’s just a passing fad. This time next year they’ll be talking about
petunias or something.
Mrs Prime Minister: I don’t think you can really call the aliens a
fad, dear. Not like petunias were.
Prime Minister: Oh, that reminds me! There’s a very good show about petunias on
on Wednesdays.
FX: The
Prime Minister switches the radio back on.
Channel 4: …aliens, aliens, aliens. Now, with the alien forecast here’s Martin
Charingate.
Martin: Thanks, Tony. Well, there’s a large belt of aliens moving
in from the West here, and that should be hitting
Prime Minister: [Switching
off the radio.] Oh blast and bugger it!
FX: Smash! The aliens - Gorp and Wurgenstrasse - come
crashing through the window.
Gorp: We are the aliens!
Prime Minister: Oh for God’s sake.
Mrs Prime Minister: Henry, I’m scared.
Prime Minister: Don’t worry dear, I’ll soon take care
of this.
Wurgenstrasse: Are you the leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: Never mind that my lad. I’ve just about had it up to here with you
lot. You can’t just come barging in
without the slightest bit of respect.
My wife and I could have been doing anything in here. She’s a very attractive woman after all. Do you want to burst in on us rummaging on
the settee? Is that how you get your
kicks?
FX: Zap.
Prime Minister: [Shocked.]
You shot my wife.
Wurgenstrasse: Yes.
Prime Minister: With your ray gun.
Wurgenstrasse: Yes.
Prime Minister: Did you kill her or just stun her?
Beat.
Wurgenstrasse: Sure, stun her, why not? Now tell us, are you the leader of the
humans?
Prime Minister: But she doesn’t have a pulse.
Beat.
Wurgenstrasse: Uh, she’s dead then. Sorry.
Prime Minister: You’re not going to kill me, are you?
Gorp: That depends, are you
the leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: That depends, are you going to kill me
if I am?
Gorp: That depends, are you
the leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: Well that depends, are you going to
kill me if I am?
Gorp: Well that depends,
are you the leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: Well that depends, are you going to
kill me if I am?
Gorp: Well that depends,
are you the leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: Well that depends…
Wurgenstrasse: Quiet!
Quiet.
Wurgenstrasse: Okay, less quiet but with just a yes
or no answer this time. Are you the
leader of the humans?
Prime Minister: Yes.
Wurgenstrasse: We are the aliens.
Prime Minister: Yes, I see.
Gorp: We are here to
capture you.
Prime Minister: Right.
FX: Zap.
Wurgenstrasse: You shot him.
Gorp: He was making a
move. I had to, he was making a move.
Wurgenstrasse: What did I say to you? What’s the one thing I said to you?
Gorp: ‘Don’t shoot him.’
Wurgenstrasse: ‘Don’t shoot him.’ And what do you do?
Gorp: I shot him.
Wurgenstrasse: You shot him.
Gorp: I had to, he was
busting my balls.
Wurgenstrasse: Busting your…you’re unbelievable, you
know that? Did you kill him or just
stun him?
Beat.
Gorp: Uh, sure, stun him,
why not?
Wurgenstrasse: I’m going to check his pulse now. You better not be lying to me. Did you kill him?
Gorp: I didn’t kill him, I
stunned him, I stunned him.
Wurgenstrasse: Alright, he’s got a pulse. Well, I’m not carrying him. Pick him up and let’s go.
FX: We hear the sound
of typing on an old style typewriter for a couple of seconds. Then the sound of the carriage return
followed by the customary ping and then the honk of a horn. This repeats.
Seeborn: Lieutenant Chalmers!
FX: The
typing stops and footsteps approach.
Chalmers: Yes Colonel Seeborn, sir.
Seeborn: Lieutenant, get me the
number of General Shorthouse’s office, will you?
Chalmers: You never gave it to me, I
don’t have it, I never even saw it, I didn’t touch it, I think I saw Major
Willis with it earlier he was saying he was going to take it and throw it in
the lake.
Seeborn: No, I want you to look it
up.
Chalmers: Oh right. Sorry.
I didn’t understand what you were saying. I’m dyslexic.
Seeborn: You’re not dyslexic
Chalmers.
Chalmers: Yes I am. Sponge…tulip…battery…
Seeborn: That’s not what dyslexia
is…look, just get me the number will you?
Chalmers: Yes I have it here sir, it’s
double one, treble one, one, one…one.
Seeborn: So you’re telling me it’s
just eight ones?
Chalmers: Now you weren’t really
listening, it’s double one…
Seeborn: Yes, that’s okay
Lieutenant I think I’ve got it. And
that’s supposed to be the number is it?
Chalmers: Yeah, that’s the number
of…the thing you just said.
Seeborn: Right, well I’ll just dial
it then and we’ll see if you’re right will we?
FX: Dials
the phone number.
Secretary: [Sounds like Chalmers.] Eight ones?
Seeborn: Is that General
Shorthouse’s office?
Secretary: Hello. General Shortlehoffachomp, how may I help
you?
Seeborn: Sorry, where?
Secretary: Uh, the thing you just said.
Seeborn: Lieutenant Chalmers, that
isn’t you on the other line is it?
Chalmers: No, I’m still standing
beside you.
Seeborn: Oh yes, so you are. Uh, hello.
This is Colonel Seeborn returning General Shorthouse’s call.
Secretary: One second please.
Shorthouse: Ah, Seeborn, I’m glad you
called. I have something important to
tell you. You’re a loose cannon.
Seeborn: I’m sorry sir?
Shorthouse: You’re a loose cannon.
Seeborn: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand, how am I a
loose cannon?
Shorthouse: How are you a loose cannon?
You disobey orders for a start.
Like that time I told you to conflagrate that hotel and you burned it to
the ground!
Seeborn: Um, that’s what
conflagrate means sir.
Shorthouse: It does?
Seeborn: Yes sir.
Shorthouse: Just one second Colonel.
[Away from phone.] Lieutenant, tell
Sergeant Metcalf to call off the conflagration of the barracks…Apparently it
means to burn it down…I know…Well I’m as shocked as you are…Just tell him to
get the troops to copulate with the target range instead.
Now Seeborn, despite your poor
record we’re going to give you one last attempt to redeem yourself.
Seeborn: Yes sir.
Shorthouse: Seeborn, we need some good men
to do a job. No wait I mean bad. Bad men not a bad job. Well, it is
a bad job. Bad as in tough. Not in a sexual way. I get them somewhere else…I mean…I’ve
never…they were a present from a farmer he’s a good friend mine…I don’t know
what that means…so to recap, we need some good bad men to do a bad job well and
I don’t need to tell you we need them badly.
Okay?
Seeborn: Uh…
Shorthouse: Good.
Seeborn: I’m
afraid I don’t follow you sir.
Shorthouse: What’s
not to follow? The Prime Minister has
been kidnapped. We’re sending you and
your platoon into the alien stronghold to try and rescue him.
Seeborn: Oh. Right.
But, sir, a mission into the alien stronghold wouldn’t stand a chance.
Shorthouse: That’s
why I’m sending you, Seeborn. You’re a
loose cannon. For this mission we need
someone who isn’t afraid to improvise, someone who isn’t afraid to play by
their own rules. And that’s what makes
you right for the job. And you slept
with my wife.
Seeborn: What? But I’ve never even met your wife.
Shorthouse: And
you never will! Goodbye Seeborn. You foul cad!
FX: Shorthouse
hangs up.
Seeborn: Chalmers,
call the men. We’ll have a briefing in
ten minutes.
SCENE
3
THE BRIEFING ROOM
Gillespie: What’s this briefing about?
Winterz: Don’t know. Probably going to send us on an impossible
mission again.
Gillespie: Why do we always get sent
on the impossible missions?
Simmons: It’s ‘cause Seeborn slept
with the General’s wife.
Seeborn: Right quiet down men. Listen up.
We’ve got another mission from General Shorthouse. The Prime Minister has been kidnapped by the
aliens. We’re being sent in to bring
him back. I know this sounds like a
tough mission. But General Shorthouse
chose us because we’re the best.
Simmons: [Calling.] And ‘cause you slept with his wife.
Seeborn: I didn’t sleep with his
wife.
Winterz: [Calling.] Why can’t you just admit it?
Seeborn: He doesn’t even have a
wife.
Gillespie: [Calling.] Not any more. You
bloody animal.
Seeborn: Look, we’ve been given our
mission and that’s the end of it. Now,
we’ve got a job to do and we’re bloody well going to do it. There’s a war on – in case you hadn’t
noticed. One hell of a war. And this war is like a jungle. And in that jungle is a wall. A jungle wall. And we’ve got to get through that wall. And there’s a door in the wall, which we’ve got to open. But the knob…our hands are slippy…with sweat
or grease or rapeseed oil or something…and when you grab it…it’s a kind of a, a
roundy knob, y’know with the…We need a key.
Gillespie: Why is this door in the
jungle?
Seeborn: Uh, the aliens put it
there.
Simmons: My hands don’t sweat.
Gillespie: Yes, you could just use your
sleeve or get a hanky…
Winterz: Yeah, but hang on. Is this a hinge door or is it slidey?
Seeborn: Look forget the door. It’s just a metaphor.
Gillespie: Oh. It’s a French door.
Seeborn: Forget
the door! Look. Wait.
Chalmers, bring in Mrs Wilkes.
Chalmers: I’m
sorry sir, I can’t.
Seeborn: Why
not?
Chalmers: She
died.
Seeborn: She
didn’t die, she’s standing outside. I
can see her from here.
Chalmers: Oh
I see what you’re saying now. Sorry I
couldn’t hear properly. I’ve got rabies,
so my hearing is…
Seeborn: You
haven’t got rabies, Chalmers. Now go
out and get Mrs Wilkes.
Chalmers: Yes,
sir.
FX: Chalmers leaves
the room making dog noises.
Seeborn: Good
boy. Men, this mission will bring you face
to face for the first time with the aliens.
So to give you some idea what to expect, I’ve asked Mrs Georgina Wilkes
to speak with us. She was in
Wilkes: I was in the woods by
our house, picking blackberries when I felt the ground tremble beneath my
feet. I looked up and saw a giant
walking machine coming down the road.
It came to a halt by Mrs Gibbs’ house.
Mrs Gibbs must have thought it was her grandson arriving in his new car
because she came out of her door with open arms. “Mrs Gibbs! Get back,” I
cried. But it was too late. The heat ray blasted right through her, and
her house, and her grandson, who had just arrived and was trying to parallel
park beside one of the machine’s legs.
I quickly ate as many blackberries as I
could, to build up some energy, but it was already too late. The heat ray had blasted through the east
wall of our house destroying our bedroom, the bathroom and the hot press. I looked at my watch. “George!”, I cried and raced into the
house. I knew he would have been in the
bathroom, as he takes his daily movement at a
The porcelain toilet was all that was
left in the room. A single turd
floating in the steaming water. That
turd was all that was left of my husband, his last act in this mortal
world. I made it into a brooch. Would you like to see?
Seeborn: Yes, we would. Pass it around men. Take a long hard look at it. This is what we’re up against.
Wilkes: You think you can fight
them? You can’t fight them! You can’t fight these machines. They’re unstoppable.
Winterz: What should we do?
Wilkes: Eat these. I’ve been living on these blackberries ever
since they attacked. I have severe
pains in my bowels but I’m still alive.
I’m still alive.
Seeborn: Thank you Mrs Wilkes.
Wilkes: Uh, where did my brooch
go?
FX: There
is the sound of someone coughing violently.
SCENE
4
ALIEN STRONGHOLD
FX: There
is the shush of automatic doors opening and closing. Something heavy is dumped on the floor.
Gorp: Oh. That guy weighs a ton. I can’t believe I had to carry him all the
way from Human Capital. It better have
been worth it.
Wurgenstrasse: It will be. I’ve told you Gorp, this plan can’t fail to succeed.
Gorp: So what do we do now?
Wurgenstrasse: You ring the humans and tell them to
surrender or else we’ll kill their leader.
Gorp: Okay then, what’s the
number?
Wurgenstrasse: One eight.
Gorp: So, it’s one then
eight.
Wurgenstrasse: One eight.
Gorp: But is it one then
eight or a single eight?
Wurgenstrasse: One eight.
Gorp: Eight?
Wurgenstrasse: One eight.
Gorp: Eighteen?
Wurgenstrasse: One eight.
Gorp: Yes, I think it’ll
save time if I just try both.
Wurgenstrasse: Both what?
FX: Gorp
dials the number.
Chalmers: Hello. Single eight.
Gorp: Hello. I am Gorp of the aliens. We have your leader if you want him back you
must surrender to us.
Chalmers: Uh, do you want to speak to
Colonel Seeborn?
Gorp: Uh, sure.
Chalmers: Okay. I’m going to try and transfer you. If you get cut off, that means I’ve done it
wrong. Okay?
Gorp: Yeah.
FX: Beep. Click.
Pause.
Chalmers: Are you still there?
Gorp: Yes, I’m still here.
Chalmers: Okay. Still transferring.
FX:
Click. Beep. Pause.
Hammer, hammer, hammer. Honk.
Chalmers: Colonel Seeborn?
Gorp: No, it’s still me.
Chalmers: Okay. And you’re calling for?
Gorp: Colonel Seeborn.
Chalmers: Okay. I’ll just transfer you now, one second
please caller.
Gorp: No, wait, wait. Couldn’t you just go and get him?
Chalmers: No, I’m afraid I can’t do
that sir.
Gorp: Why not?
Chalmers: I’ve glued my hand to my
phone.
Gorp: Why did you do that?
Chalmers: As a practical joke.
Gorp: So…
Chalmers: Maybe you should just call
back later.
Gorp: Yeah, I think I will.
FX: Hangs
up,
Wurgenstrasse: So what did they say? Are they going to surrender?
Gorp: I’m going to call
back later.
SCENE
5
AIRFIELD
FX: The
sound of planes’ propellers preparing to take off.
Seeborn: Right men, all aboard.
Chalmers: [Approaching.] Colonel Seeborn, Colonel Seeborn!
Seeborn: What is it Chalmers? Why do you have a phone attached to your
hand?
Chalmers: There’s a phone call for
you.
Seeborn: Chalmers, didn’t I tell
you never to answer the phone? Wait a
minute, where’s your parachute? We’re
about to leave.
Chalmers: Oh yes. Uh, something’s come up I’m afraid sir. I’ve taken ill.
Seeborn: Well, what’s wrong with
you?
Chalmers: I...have…no…legs.
Seeborn: I don’t want to hear it
Chalmers, get your parachute and get on board that plane.
Chalmers: Yes sir.
FX: Sound
of planes taking off.
SCENE
6
IN A PLANE EN ROUTE
FX: Noisy interior of
military plane.
Seeborn: Listen men, I know a lot
of you are pretty scared right now…
Simmons: I’m bored.
Seeborn: You’re bored?
Gillespie: Could we play a game?
Seeborn: Well, I don’t know…
Winterz: Let’s play kiss chasing.
Seeborn: No, we’re not going to
play kiss chasing again.
Chalmers: What about charades then?
Seeborn: Well alright,
Chalmers. You go first.
Chalmers: Matthew Modine.
Seeborn: No. You’re not supposed to say what you’re doing
first. Think up another one.
Chalmers: Okay.
Seeborn: Okay, you’ve got one?
Chalmers: Yes.
Seeborn: Alright, carry on
then. Okay, a person, a man. 2 words.
1st word. 2 syllables. 1st syllable. Uh, floor, ground, carpet, rug, mat, mat,
mat. Matthew Modine. Sit down Chalmers.
Chalmers: I’ve got another one.
Seeborn: Sit down Chalmers.
SCENE 7
THE ALIEN STRONGHOLD
FX: Sound
of phone ringing.
Gorp: They’re not answering. I give up.
Wurgenstrasse: Well what are we going to do with
their leader then?
Gorp: I don’t know, we
could probe him some more.
Wurgenstrasse: Oh, I’m bored of probing him.
Gorp: Could we use the
Truth Ray on him?
Wurgenstrasse: Yeah, that could be a bit of a laugh.
SCENE 8
IN A PLANE EN ROUTE
FX: Noisy interior of
military plane.
Seeborn: Right, we’re almost ready
to jump. Don’t forget on impact with
the ground you’ll break both your legs unless you remember to…
FX: Buzzer
sounds.
Seeborn: Right. There’s the green light we’re above the drop
zone. Go! Go! Go!
Chalmers: Wait, what was that you said
about breaking our legs?
Seeborn: There’s no time
Chalmers! Go! Go! Go!
FX: There
is the sound of rushing air as Chalmers falls through the air.
Chalmers: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
FX: Snap.
SCENE 9
INSIDE THE ALIEN STRONGHOLD
FX: Zap.
Gorp: Right, I’ve shot him
with the Truth Ray.
Wurgenstrasse: Okay, what will we ask him?
Gorp: Ask him if he’s ever
seen a ghost.
Wurgenstrasse: Have you ever seen a ghost?
Prime Minister: No.
Gorp: Uh, ask him if he
fancies either of us.
Wurgenstrasse: Good one. So human, do you fancy either of us?
Prime Minister: Not really.
Gorp: But if you had to choose
one of us which one do you fancy more?
Prime Minister: Wurgenstrasse.
Wurgenstrasse: Yes!
SCENE 10
A
Gillespie: I can’t believe he slept
with Shorthouse’s wife. Lucky bastard.
Winterz: Well, I had sex with her
too actually.
Simmons: Yes, so did I.
Gillespie: Yeah, I suppose I did too,
a couple of times.
FX: There
is a rustling of bushes.
Seeborn: Ah, men. I’m glad to see you all landed in one
piece. Have any of you seen Chalmers?
Chalmers: I’m down here.
Seeborn: Chalmers, what are you
doing lying down?
Chalmers: I broke both my legs when I
landed. I’ve just been lying here since
then. I thought I was going to
die. Oh, it’s been horrible. I made a tent out of some leaves, I’ve been
eating grubs that I trapped with some twigs and I had to drink my own urine.
Seeborn: But you’ve only been here
for five minutes.
Chalmers: [Insistent.] I had to drink my own urine.
Winterz: What are we going to do
with him sir, he’s broken both his legs?
Seeborn: Well, can you walk on them
Chalmers?
Chalmers: Yeah, I suppose so.
Seeborn: Good, then we’ll find the
rest of the men and head towards the compound.
Follow me.
SCENE 11
INSIDE THE ALIEN STRONGHOLD
Prime Minister: …finishing with the cheese sauce, pop
it into the preheated oven and cook for about 40 minutes until golden brown.
Wurgenstrasse: Ye-es. Somehow I feel like we’re wasting the Truth Ray. Maybe we should be asking him better
questions.
Gorp: Oh, I’ve got a
question we could ask him.
Wurgenstrasse: I’ve told you we’re not going to ask
him about his first kiss.
Gorp: No, it’s a different
question this time.
Wurgenstrasse: What?
Gorp: We could ask him how
to defeat the humans.
Wurgenstrasse: That is a good question. Ask him then.
Gorp: No. I don’t want to. You can ask him, since he obviously prefers you.
Wurgenstrasse: Oh don’t be so childish, so I’m more
attractive than you, so what?
Gorp: You are not more
attractive than me.
Wurgenstrasse: Well, the human certainly thinks so.
Gorp: He just hasn’t got to
know me yet.
Wurgenstrasse: Just ask him the question.
Gorp: Okay, okay. So human, how can we defeat the humans?
Prime Minister: Well, I’ll tell you…
Seeborn: Stop right there!
Wurgenstrasse: Who are you?
Seeborn: Colonel Seeborn, British
Armed Forces. I’m here to take back our
Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Well it’s about time!
Wurgenstrasse: Wait.
How did you get past all the guards?
Seeborn: There’s no time for that
now. If you don’t hand over the Prime
Minister, I’ll be forced to open fire.
Wurgenstrasse: No, please don’t shoot us. Especially not Gorp. He has so much love to give.
FX: The
doors whoosh open and closed as Chalmers enters.
Chalmers: Sorry, I’m late sir, I had a
little difficulty walking on my two broken legs. Luckily I managed to fashion these splints out of two cats that I
found.
FX: The
cats miaow.
Seeborn: Chalmers. How the devil did you get here? Where are
the rest of the men?
Chamers: They’re still fighting the
cyber dogs, sir. And the exploding
cabbages.
Seeborn: Right. Well.
It looks like I have everything under control here. Chalmers, cover these aliens while I release
the Prime Minister.
Chalmers: Right you are sir.
FX: Bang. Chalmers shoots the Prime Minister.
Seeborn: Chalmers! What have you done? You shot the Prime Minister!
Chalmers: I’m sorry?
Seeborn: I told you to cover the
aliens not shoot the Prime Minister!
Chalmers: Oh, I see what you’re saying
now sir. Sorry, can we go again?
Seeborn: No we can’t go again. You’ve killed him.
Chalmers: Okay,
just once more then, I’ll get it right this time.
Seeborn: No, no more times! How many Prime Ministers do you think we’ve
got?
Chalmers: Well, we must have a few
spares, don’t we? Just in case somebody
accidentally shoots one of them.
Seeborn: No, of course we don’t
have any spares! Chalmers, what is
wrong with you man?
Chalmers: Um, I think I’ve got the
bends …and stigmata …and I’m pregnant.
Seeborn: You don’t actually have
any of those things, do you Chalmers?
Chalmers: No. I don’t.
I just panicked and shot him.
Seeborn: Well, at least you’re
being honest for once.
Chalmers: Can we go home now sir?
Seeborn: Yes, yes, we can go home
now.
Chalmers: Can I hold your hand?
Seeborn: Yes. You can hold my hand.
Chalmers: You were always like a
father to me sir.
Seeborn: Yes, well.
FX: The
doors whoosh open and closed as Seeborn and Chalmers exit.
Gorp: Well, I guess that’s
the end of that. So much for your
stupid “Let’s Kidnap the Prime Minister” plan.
Wurgenstrasse: Well, can you come up with a better
plan?
Gorp: Um, okay. Could we use han