You
may not know it to look at me. You
could pass me on the street and have had no idea. But it’s not something I try to hide. Ask me and I’ll tell you proudly, I’m a cyclist. Yes, that’s right, a cyclist. Note the -ist. Like we’re members of a school of philosophy or a political
movement. We’re not an -er. Walker, driver, biker. We’re an -ist. Pacifist, communist, fascist.
After
my second bike in a month was stolen and I lost the will for rational thought,
I became a long-haul pedestrian for a while and it wasn’t fun. An hour to get into town, an hour to get
back, I couldn’t hack it, I gave up after a month. I’ve travelled on the bus and their plain and simple policy of
openly ripping you off just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve never driven and I don’t have any intention of learning how
to since it is an utterly ridiculous mode of transport. Which leaves me on the bicycle and I’m happy
enough to stick with it until charging down the road on the back of a wild pig
comes back into fashion.
So who else is on the road?
Let’s
face it we have a lot of problems with each other. Cars get in our way. They
pollute our lungs. And they often treat
us like second class road users. And we
in turn weave in between them, jump out in front of them and treat the traffic
lights like more of a suggestion than an order. The thing for car drivers to realise is that where they see a
person on a bike we see a car. You
don’t look like a person you like a gigantic lump of metal rolling down the
road and we’re going to treat you as such.
Know
this: when you roll down your window and shout at us as you drive past we can’t
hear a word of it.
“Whhaehashaksjoohfeddik the road!” is what it usually sounds like. I’ve had a couple of shouts, a couple of
beeps in my time, not too many. What I
like to do to infuriate the drivers even more is to pretend I think they’re beeping to say hi and just wave back
at them. “Helloooo!”
Car
drivers have also perpetuated this myth that it’s really difficult to see
cyclists if they don’t have lights on their bike. Don’t get me wrong I’m always lit up at night. But I’ve been in a car at night and you can
see everything. This cm thick piece of
glass doesn’t have the properties which they all claim of making all but the
supernova of our closest star, the sun, invisible. Maybe in the countryside.
Maybe if it was raining. But we
have street lights in this city. They
act as a sort of brightener if you will.
This just seems like a massive conspiracy to cover themselves for when
they run us down on their way home from a few drinks in the theatre bar. Check it out next time you’re in a car at
night. It’s amazing.
A
joy to behold is the car that stops on the pedestrian crossing. It realises too late that the lights have
turned red and screeches to a halt right over the crossing completely blocking
it. It’s as if they think this is the
point of the pedestrian crossing rather than to stop them so that people can
cross the road, these things have been put there just to stop them.
There
are those in our number who have no care or respect for those around them. They cycle through pedestrian crossings and
up onto pavements at the drop of a cycle hat.
But please don’t tar us all with the same brush. Some of us try to be respectful to the
pedestrian. My own personal rule is to
never go through a pedestrian crossing when it’s red. This might seem excessive but even when there’s no one around
I’ll wait my time. The reason being
that it’s a slippery slope.
1. Hey, I
can go through slowly, there’s no one around.
2. Ah sure,
there’s only one person crossing I can go around him without slowing down too
much.
3. I am
master of the bicycle, I can predict exactly what the traffic is going to do
and compensate without even a thought, this is my matrix. I can cruise through this crowded crossing
at top speed with no hands on the handlebars, headphones blearing and a couple
of pints in me just to make things a bit more interesting.
Cyclists may feel in control but they should
remember how intimidating they are to the young and the old. Come on guys, it’s just not cool, yeah? Nice one.
Our
cousins the pedestrians. They have
everything we have. The cheap,
environmentally friendly, healthy option.
Just at a slower pace. I reach
out to the pedestrians in friendship. I
hope you will forgive us for the ignorant among us. Remember this: they may look scary but a cyclist is actually very
easy to knock off their bike. Next time
a cyclist comes storming along the pavement stick out the old clothes line,
you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.
Now,
don’t get me wrong. I love the
Orientals. I love their MSG and their
pretty movies and their crazy music.
But the truth is they’re very slow cyclists. Is that racist? It’s a
pretty sweeping statement to damn well over a billion people like that. But it’s true. If I’m cycling behind someone and they’re going really slowly and
they don’t look like they’re just an old person (old coat, old bike, GAA helmet
on their head) chances are they’re Oriental.
I’m all in favour of the immigration into this country. I think an injection of people who’s DNA
hasn’t been stewing in the same small pot for the last couple of millennia is
great but I just wish they’d hurry up a bit once they get here. I thought
One
of the most infuriating things for the decent cyclist is when you’re stopped at
the lights and some idiot cycles up and around you bringing their bike to a
stop right in front of you. First off
this is the same idiot you passed on the road 5 minutes ago so you’re evidently
faster than them and will have to cycle round them again. Secondly they’re now blocking the pedestrian
crossing. And thirdly they probably
haven’t put their bike into gear before they stopped so you’re going to have to
watch them have a small hernia trying to push the pedals once the lights
change. Get behind me satans.
Please,
laugh at them openly, you’re right they do look completely ridiculous.
Similar.
Every
time I pass a car parked on the cycle lane I just want kick it’s wing mirrors
off as I pass. Now, I’m not talking
about the cycle lanes that are just part of the road painted red here. That I can understand there being some
confusion over. I’m pretty confused
myself. What exactly are the rules for
these things? Are cars not supposed to
drive on them? There’s some roads where
they’ve taken off so much of the road for the cycle lane it’s impossible for a
car not to drive on them. Or is the
rule that cars aren’t supposed to park on them? Last time I checked there’s a cycle lane running through Ranelagh
with parking spaces marked over it.
Are they only between certain hours?
When exactly? What are the rules
with these things? I wish I knew so I could swear at the car drivers and be
certain I was in the right.
But
when the cycle lane is raised from the road on the footpath I don’t think
there’s much ambiguity. Do these car
drivers really think these were put there especially for them to park on? No.
Kick the wing mirrors off. Give
the roof a good thumping. Key the
bastards.
Of
course there’s the pedestrians who think these cycle lanes are footpaths as
well but I think breaking their wing mirrors is just a step too far.
If
I’m cycling home from town late on a Friday or Saturday night, or pretty much
any night let’s face it, I will be guaranteed of at least one person trying to
hail me as a taxi. If you’re the
drinking type then some day it will occur to you, as you stand outside Tram Co
in your shirt, that it’s the best joke of the decade to ask the passing cyclist
for a lift. It isn’t. I turned the joke back on those guys of
course when I charged them 20 euods for a backer to Foxrock.
Ah
yes. Our old friends. That awful feeling when you come back to
where you think you’ve left your bike and it doesn’t seem to be there any more. You scan your memory to make sure this is where
you parked it today and then come to the bitter conclusion that you’ve got a
furious walk home ahead of you. I’ve
had a fair number of bikes stolen in my time.
You just feel so angry thinking about some little bastard out there with
his grubby little claws all over your beloved bicycle. But not in the last five or six years. The trick is the old double lock
technique. Two locks and the gurriers
just move on to the next bike. Just
make sure your bike is less desirable and more secure than the bike next to you
and you’ll be fine. Then you get to
cycle home every day knowing that you beat the little shits again.
Watch
out for me. I can be dangerous. I’ve travelled the same trip into town
thousands of times at this stage. The
slight but unrelenting slope of
I’ve
also been known to race with people.
It’s not a explicit race. I
don’t stand beside someone at the traffic lights revving up my gears. They’re probably not even aware of it but
that doesn’t matter it’s still a valid victory to be proud of. I did actually have an explicit race with a
van once. We jostled for lead position
a couple of times but there was no way they were going to beat me. I knew ahead of us was Harold’s Cross and
the Cross at rush hour is cyclists domain.
I encourage you too to have a race with someone next time your on the
roads. Not only will it entertain you
but also those around you as you fly arse over tit under a lorry.
Another
thing I do to alleviate the boredom is to watch the pretty ladies walking
by. No, come on, don’t call me a
pervert, it’s perfectly natural.
Frankly if you don’t stop to look at a pretty lady you’re the
weirdo. I have it down to a fine art. The lay-dar sounds and I immediately glance
around to see exactly how much time I can take to check her out before I run
into danger. One. Two.
And back to the road. It’s only
once got me into trouble. While I was
on a survey mission passing through Rathgar village the car in front of me
suddenly stopped, I pulled the front breaks, I slid up the bike so that I was
over the cross bar with my feet on the ground beside the front wheel, my back
wheel came up in the air, fell to one side and bounced down the door of the
idling car to my left. The driver was
just gobsmacked, what on Earth was I doing?
I was checking out the birds man.
Fair play.
But
despite all cycling is still the only way to go. It’s cheap, fast, healthy, environmentally friendly, has a
reliable timetable, there’s no road tax or insurance, you can feel outraged
instead of just guilty about what Boy George and the Oil Execs are perpetrating
across the world, and within a couple of months of taking it up you too could
have a great ass like mine.